Friday, May 15, 2009

Housing for future generations.

This is not like putting your house up for sale. Well, maybe it is, just a little. You certainly will not be making a profit on this transaction. Actually, there is no transaction.

So let's assume that when December 12th, 2012 arrives, everyone somehow leaves earth, be it in a spaceship, an apocalyptic disaster or in a religious rapture that leaves heathens behind. (Who cares about the heathens, right?) You need to get your home ready! I mean, you have to imagine that one day in the future someone or thing may be back and homestead on your property. You want to leave it nice for them right? You may not care, but think about it. If you went to a strange planet, and were trying to find a place to stay, wouldn't you want to find a home that was welcoming and comfortable?

First, you will want to throw away all of that stuff that you have been squirreling away. You know, all of those Martha Stewart magazines, the newspaper from 9/11 that will someday be "worth something", the little piece of shit plastic snow globe that you picked up in Chicago when you had a layover in O'Hare just to prove that you had actually been to Chicago and that carton of milk in the fridge that you are using as a gage to tell you how long it has been since you have actually cleaned out the fridge. (Note: If the milk is solid...It's time.) In other words, THROW ALL YOUR CRAP OUT! No one will want to see that.

What? You think that it may be like a time capsule for future generations of god-knows-what that may inhabit the planet? Quite frankly we are going to be lucky if whoever comes to the planet in the future has eyes, let alone the mental capacity to grasp the Ginger Chicken recipe in Martha Stewart's May 2002 issue or what those little white things are floating around in side of that cheap ass plastic ball.

So, we have established that we need to throw crap out. What stays? Well, my inclination is to say that all furniture stays. Again, we are trying to make the house comfortable. This is of course assuming that whatever/whoever comes back to earth after we are gone has asses remotely shaped like ours and finds polyester comfortable to sit and sleep on.

The TV/DVD/Stereo stays, as well as your collection of 80's TV Shows on DVD. We want them to have some idea of what we were like when we inhabited the planet, and I would prefer that they see a bit of our race from Punky Brewster, Silver Spoons and The Cosby Show as opposed to Rosanne, The Simpsons and Family Guy. You might want to throw a Bewitched into your collection just to keep whoever sits down and figures out to use the technology guessing about our race and what we were capable of.

That's another thing. Depending on how complex your TV set up is, you may need to leave pictographs behind that illustrate how to use the five remote controls on your coffee table to make the magic moving picture box work WITH sound and actual pictures. If you need a reference point to start, simply use the original plaque that is included on the Pioneer Spacecraft as a start. Good luck.

Now, you will no doubt have some items of, let's say, ill repute in your home. Depending on your modesty, you may wish to leave these behind as a testament to your perversion, or you may with to toss them out. This is up to you. I suggest you think long and hard (snicker) about this decision. Do you really want this new visitor thinking that big hunk of silicone goes into their mouth like a lollipop? No, I didn't think so.

Your kitchen will be a place of great mystery for your new tenant. Depending on how long you have been gone, there will not likely be much food left that will be worth eating, save for some Spam, a can of Spaghetti-O's and a box of quinoa that you always meant to cook. Spam is questionable at most times, but from what pictures this new being sees, the color and texture of Spam may appear to be more human than food and they may think that we were a civilization of cannibals. Throw the Spam away. Keep vacuum sealed bags of beans, rice and other dried legumes and grains. These can provide sustenance to you in times of need or disaster as well as to whatever is in your home when you are gone. Again, you can leave a pictograph of how to cook these or not. Your choice.

Dull your knives. You don't want blood/acid/rancid green goo all over your kitchen. Your new guest will probably not know what to do with a knife anyway. Do not throw your knives away. You will need them in case of intruders up until the point when you leave.

When leaving your house for the final time, assuming that you know when that is, make sure that all doors are unlocked. A fat lot of good all of this preperation will do if this person/creature has to blow down the fucking door and destroy your beautiful house in the process.

Final point. When getting your house ready, pretend you will be back, but that in the meantime your mother-in-law will visit. That will be helpful in opening your eyes to what should stay in the house (crappy food) and what should go (clutter and porn).

Next post: Pet sitting. Or is that pet leaving?

Thursday, May 14, 2009

All you have left is the shirt on your back. Part II

Okay, so you have your plan. You are going to keep that essential piece of luggage by your door and not to mention one at work. Now, what do you pack? Are you going to pack like you are going on a 2 week vacation, or will you be packing for an overnight stay.

First off, you need to pack light. You are not going to know how far you are going to have lug this bag around. Will there be proper baggage claim aboard said ship? Who knows! It will be best to keep this piece of luggage with you. Carry-ons are highly recommended.

Now, what are you going to bring with you. This isn't a fire drill so leave those precious memories back on earth. I would ditch the electronics as well, because what are the chances that your plug will fit their outlet. (This includes: Cameras, cell phones, iPods, iPhones, MP3 players of ALL kinds, portable DVD players, digital multimedia players.) I don't think your local travel store will carry a converter that will fit the mother ship. (And if you ask, don't expect great service.)

For clothing you will need to be prepared. As I said earlier, you would expect this monstrous ship to have central air and heat, but you never know! So I would recommend both shorts and jeans. Besides, once you get to wherever you are going, the climate may not be like your home city. For that matter, it may not even be like earth. If that is the case, you better hope that your clothes are interesting enough to barter for that tight fitting suit that protects you from the constant acid that falls from the sky. But don't pack clothes that are too flashy! Again, we don't want to draw attention to ourselves. I would not suggest sequins, silk screening or bedazzled sweaters. Plain, plain, plain. This is a delicate balance of practicality and interest. Find clothes that are simple, but with interesting stitching. Whip stitched clothing is always interesting but understated.

Make sure that what you pack will be loose fitting! T-shirts and denim will be your friends as they are durable and allow maximum movement. Will you need to run from your new alien captors, or will you be able to lounge around? Either way, loose fitting clothes will make you comfortable and confident.

Bring one book. I am certain that you will have a lot of time to read, however since books weigh so much and your Kindle will certainly run out of juice, bring only one that you can read over and over and over again.

Moving onto personal hygiene materials. Bring toothpaste and a toothbrush, but go easy on it. Do not overdo the toothpaste. You do not want to end up having to use that kitty litter in your pocket to brush your teeth. Remember, this could be a very long trip and that tube may need to last you a few months to a year. You could always pack an additional tube, but all of these items add up fast and become more of a burden.

Deodorant. You need this. However, only one stick and one swipe under each arm every day. Hair care products? No. Bring a hat. Who are you going to try to look good for? The grey, bug eyed, (sexy?) lanky alien? Psh! Its light, small and saves space for other things. Cologne/perfume? Again, no. What are you people thinking?! These guys probably don't even have the sensory perception to appreciate your Calvin Klein Obsession. (Seriously, if you are still wearing Obsession, YOU probably don't have the sensory perception to appreciate anything anyway.)

Shoes. Only one pair! And they should be breathable and good for walking/running long distances.I recommend Nike, but any brand will do as long as they are breathable, durable and comfortable. This ship has gotta be huge, and you may need to walk through miles of corridors to get to where you need to be. Also, if you piss someone off, it would be helpful to be able to run comfortably as well. (Best advice: DO NOT PISS ANYONE OFF!)

In our next segment: How to prepare your home for your departure.

Take care and remember to watch that clock! 12/21/12 is right around the corner!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

All you have left is the shirt on your back.

Or is it?

There are many theories that are associated with what will happen on December 21st, 2012. One in particular suggests that while the human species will survive, the earth will not. Now, no one really knows if they are speaking spritiually or physically. If it is spiritually, then fuck it. You are screwed. BUT! Say that aliens come down in their giant space crafts and say "ALL A'BOARD!" How do you prepare for that? What in God's name do you pack?

You could pull one of your new alien overloards aside and ask politely if you can run back to the house real quick after they tell you where you are going and what the climate is for each month of their year. Do that though, and you may be labeled a "free thought" risk and will be watched constantly once aboard. So, yes, you will be properly packed, but at the expense of your freedom, and what I am assuming to be a kick ass buffet.(OMG! How to Cook Humans!) I mean seriously, how closely do you really want to be watched while you scarff down a heaping dinner plate of cocktail shrimp? No one looks good sucking the tails off of a shrimp. Trust me, I know. I have been to a Chinese Seafood Restaraunt.

Another, and by far the easiest of options, would be to just get on board the ship. Now, this seems like a good idea, cause face it, that thing has got to have central air and heat, so you are going to be comfortable through out the flight. But what happens when you get to the destination? Again, SCREWED! You will have your debit card, but I am certain that they will not honor plastic. You are going to have to get a job. The job market here on earth is tough enough, can you imagine slaving away on a farm somewhere under a purple sky with a boiling hot red sun? UGH!

"So what." You say. "I have cash/gold/a pocket full of cat litter." For all you know at that point, the cat litter may be the most valuble thing that you have to barter with, but I know with my luck, it will buy me a Slurm and a 25 year old twinkie that was procurred on a previous scouting mission.

My point is, you dont want to have to work if you can't help it. You need to be proactive.(Not the acne medicine. Hey! That may even be worth something. You never know.)

Let's just pretend that you are pregnant and your gestation period is three and a half years. Keep that essential piece of luggage packed and by your front door! You never know. The Mayan calandar may have been running slow and we could be leaving tomorrow. Also, you may also want to have a piece of luggage in your car packed identically as your home bag. Shit always happens when you are at work and you know it.

Now, what should you pack? We will take a look at that in the next post.

Take care and keep an eye on that clock. Time is ticking and 2012 is right around the corner!


So, the date is December 20, 2012 and you haven't even packed your bags. Are your medications in order? Did you hire your athiest lesbian neighbor to pet sit? (You know you won't be able to take Fluffy with you when the end of the world comes.) Did you stop the mail and the paper? What about your lawn, who is going to mow that?

In this blog we will be discussing the pros and cons of getting ready for the coming apocolypse. Sit back and enjoy. Would love to hear your thoughts and comments.